Photography by Mladen Saric for Boudoir
Comparing the ultrasound results I got recently to those I had several months ago reveals that there is some kind of lump in my cervix that is growing.
I almost fainted at the doctor’s office when she explained the implications of my results.
I assumed that the extreme fatigue, lack of energy, and disinterest in everything was from my depression, but cervical cancer sure would explain the feeling I’ve been having that I am slowly dying. Every day I move a little slower, every day I care less about living and thriving, and every day I long to do nothing but sleep.
Having a procedure done in a couple weeks to diagnose what the mass is. It could be a polyp, something benign, or something totally not benign.
On the bright side, I don’t want kids, so I’m okay with getting a hysterectomy if I need to. Not ever having to deal with periods again would be pretty awesome!
On a slightly different note: thanks for always reading and responding to my text posts, friends, I really appreciate it. If I had more energy, I would respond to each one individually, but suffice to say that your caring words really matter to me and make me feel better.
Does anyone have tips for embracing your own awkwardness? I keep trying to be cute or glamorous or sexy or wise or fit or mysterious or whatever I feel like I need to be to be an “ideal” woman, but what I truly am is an awkward, gangly, strange-looking, pasty little weirdo, and I need to find some way to accept that instead of trying to fight against it. I’m making myself miserable by trying to be something I’m not. Help!
So, here is what has happened to me over the past 24 hours:
1. 7 PM yesterday - went on a date with a guy who:
a) insisted that I was being “difficult” by saying that I would be not willing to act out a rape fantasy with a partner
b) insisted that women are given more “intrinsic value” than men in our culture because women and children are given lifeboats when men are expected to go down with the ship
c) said that the rape statistics citing that 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted are “skewed”
d) insisted that the reason why his guy friends haven’t amounted to anything in their adulthood is because feminists make them feel like they don’t need to be able to provide for their own families someday
e) did all of this knowing that I am a feminist and I volunteer for a sexual assault crisis hotline
f) finally noticed the terrible shit he was saying was making me CRY and apologized not for saying ridiculous, untrue, incredibly hurtful sexist shit, but for “saying something that offended me”
2. 10 PM yesterday - got in the car after the date, sobbing my eyes out, only to hear the radio DJ make a joke about grinding up female Viagra and putting it in girls’ drinks
3. 11 PM yesterday - went over to a male friend’s house to rant about the horrible dude I went on a date with, fell asleep after passing out from exhaustion and crying, woke up with male friend’s hand on my ass
4. 3 AM today - received a text from a guy that said simply, “Hornyyyyyy”
5. 5:30 PM today - Got a message on Tinder from a singer/songwriter from out of town who wants to hook up with me
6. His social media info is all over his profile
7. His girlfriend just uploaded a picture to Instagram on Valentine’s Day talking about HOW MUCH SHE’S GOING TO MISS HIM WHILE HE’S OUT TOURING
8. every man is horrible
fuck men fuck men fuck men fuck men fuck men fuck men fuck fuck FUCK men so fucking much
PS - don’t reply to this post saying “but not ALL men are like tha—” no shut the fuck up I don’t want to hear that right now, I want to be angry about how terribly guys have treated me and the people I love all my life and how they are constantly finding new ways to disgust me UUUUGGHHHH
DESIGN: The Skull Armchair
French artist Harold Sangouard (aka “Harow“) created the Skull Armchair, an artistic and evil-looking piece of furniture built from a steel frame and finished with black glossy paint.
(Source: kuleszka, via digitalmovie)
(Source: ruinedchildhood, via digitalmovie)
Samuel Cirnansck A/W 2013